Goldfish Gift Swap
December 12, 2013 – Madison, Wisconsin, USA
Hailey Armstrong stomped the snow off her boots before entering the tiny pet store. When she made it inside, she paused to appreciate the warmth and then walked down the aisle in line with the door. Based on the ocean-themed mural painted on the back wall, she had a good idea that the fish were kept in the far corner. As expected, she found dozens of aquariums and their distinctive smell.
Hailey enjoyed looking at the different colors and variety of fish, but she was no expert. She got the attention of a middle-aged man who appeared to run the store.
“Which kind of fish is the hardiest?” Hailey asked the man. “I need one that can survive in different temperatures and won’t mind getting moved around a little.”
The pet store man looked suspiciously at Hailey. “A goldfish is probably your best bet. They don’t need a heater. Pretty tough for a fish. May I ask what you’re planning to do with it?”
“Oh, it would be a pet for someone,” Hailey replied quickly.
“It’s not for some kind of fish swallowing party or whatever pranks the college kids are doing these days?”
“No. I definitely don’t want to hurt the fish.”
“Well, take a look and tell me which one you want.”
Hailey spent several minutes staring at the goldfish aquarium and deciding which one looked the healthiest. She picked one that was about 1 ½ inches long and a fast swimmer. The pet store man scooped it up with a net and put it in a plastic bag. To show she was serious about taking care of the fish, Hailey also selected a salt-shaker sized bottle of food flakes.
“How long can it stay in the bag?” Hailey asked on her way to the door.
“Not very long. The water needs fresh oxygen,” advised the pet store man.
Hailey nodded her head and slipped the plastic bag under her coat for the cold and wet trip back to her apartment. She felt a little guilty about the conversation with the pet store man. The goldfish was going to be used for kind of a prank, just not the sort of thing he was worried about. And Hailey was going to a party, but instead of being swallowed, the goldfish was supposed to help raise her social standing.
Ever since Hailey arrived as a graduate student at the University of Wisconsin, the researchers she worked with raved about the parties thrown by their supervisor, Professor Pitt. Hailey attended his back-to-school and Halloween parties and agreed they were a lot of fun. It a relief to socialize with Professor Pitt outside of the chemical engineering laboratory and realize he was actually human rather than an omniscient avatar.
“The Holiday party is the best one of the year,” one of the older graduate students told Hailey after Halloween. “Especially the gift exchange. You’ve got to start thinking about your present.”
Hailey watched quietly as the graduate students and staff researchers in the lab came up with gift ideas. The main rule was that nothing could cost over $5 and homemade gifts were encouraged. The graduate student at the desk next to Hailey had found an old picture frame and was collecting embarrassing pictures of her coworkers to make into a collage. Someone else kept melting together broken glassware from failed experiments to create a soccer-ball-sized work of chemistry art. Another person was recording an album of poorly sung songs about the periodic table.
“You need to come up with something that no one really wants, something that it almost hurts to take home,” Hailey’s desk mate told her. “The more painful, the more people will laugh. And we all figure out who brought what gift.”
Sure it sounded like a lot of fun, but for Hailey, it also meant a lot of pressure. She was supposed to be a good chemical engineer and creative and fun? She was having a hard enough time not getting lost in the large research group. Most of the time, Professor Pitt forgot she existed. Whenever she was in a group meeting, she let the know-it-all students do the talking. There were more than enough of them to ensure that Hailey never had to say a word, which eliminated the risk of sounding like she did not belong.
After scouring her research building for interesting throw-away items and carefully inspecting the shelves of a dollar store, Hailey called her brother for gift exchange ideas. He was known as the creative one in the family. After Hailey explained the dilemma, her brother responded without hesitation.
“Buy a fish.”
“You mean like a salmon filet or something?”
“No, a live fish. In a bag from a pet store. I’ve seen it done before and it’s hilarious. No one wants to take it.”
“Some people like them. They give them away at carnivals, like when you win at a ring toss.”
“Those are for little kids. Your party’s for adults, right?”
“Pretty much. But I don’t want someone flushing the fish down the toilet when they don’t want it.”
“They won’t flush it. They’ll know people will be asking about the fish and they’ll have to get a bowl and take care of it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Trust me. Everyone’s going to love watching whoever unwraps it squirm as they try to pass it off.”
When Hailey got the chosen goldfish home through the snow, she was careful to loosen the tie on the plastic bag and allow for fresh oxygen flow. She examined the fish for signs of stress, but it appeared to be swimming happily, even if the bag was not very big. Hailey contemplated adding some of the flake food, but she was afraid of clouding up the water.
A few minutes before her ride was supposed to pick her up, Hailey resealed the bag and put it in a narrow cardboard box. She covered the box in wrapping paper and added a large, hand drawn arrow and label which read, “FRAGILE. THIS SIDE UP.”
“What’s in the box?” asked the first-year graduate student behind the wheel, when Hailey carefully got in the car.
“I’m not going to say.”
“Is it actually fragile?”
“Yes.”
“Did you make it?”
“No.”
“Just tell me what it is and I’ll tell you mine. Then we can know whether to choose them.”
“You’ll have to wait and see,” replied Hailey.
Professor Pitt’s house was on the outskirts of town and at the end of a tree-lined lane, which extended from the main street. Hailey and her companion parked on the street and then crunched snow as they walked down the driveway. Every light in and outside of the house lit the way. At the door they found a note that read, “Come on in.”
Hailey left her boots and coat at the pile of clothing near the entrance. She followed the noise to a spacious, two-story living room adjacent to the kitchen. A crowd filled the room, and at the center, Professor Pitt sang Winter Wonderland into the microphone of a Karaoke machine.
“You’re singing next!” Professor Pitt called to one of the students who laughed at him the loudest.
Hailey spotted a pile of wrapped boxes for the gift exchange, but rather than relinquish her present, she held it close while picking out food from the generous selection on the kitchen counters. Pizza boxes lay open next to mounds of submarine sandwiches and trays packed with pastry desserts. Hailey grabbed a sandwich and a bottle of soda and sat in a folding chair with a good view of the Karaoke.
“Who’s singing next?” shouted Professor Pitt, when he was done with his song.
He passed the microphone to an older, bearded lab technician named Thomas. Hailey assumed Thomas did not have much of a sense of humor or singing voice, but he grabbed the mike and belted out an Elvis-inspired version of Here Comes Santa Claus.
Professor Pitt put several more people on the spot before deciding it was time to move from Karaoke to the gift exchange. “Everyone make a big circle and put the presents in the middle of the room,” he announced.
Hailey waited until the pile of presents had been dragged into place before carefully adding her present to the edge of the collection. Then she squeezed into a spot on the floor next to two other graduate students.
“Fragile, huh?” one of the students asked her, when he saw her wrapped box.
“Very fragile,” replied Hailey.
She quickly counted all the people in the circle. Forty-three. That included Professor Pitt and the professional staff working in his lab. Also in the circle were post-doctoral researchers and graduate students, some with spouses or significant others. They were all adults except for the three kids who had come with Professor Kim, a researcher who was visiting from Korea. Professor Kim wanted to make sure his entire family experienced as much American culture as possible and that included Professor Pitt’s holiday party.
“I think you all know the rules of our gift exchange,” announced Professor Pitt. “Some people might call it Yankee Swap or a White Elephant exchange. None of you were supposed to spend much money on these gifts. When it’s your turn, you can choose to steal a present that’s already open or open up one that’s still wrapped. So we’re not doing this all night, let’s say a present can only be stolen three times.”
As Professor Pitt explained the rules, Professor Kim quietly interpreted for his wife, who did not speak much English. She nodded like she understood and Professor Pitt passed around a hat containing numbers written on slips of paper.
“Who’s got number one?” asked Professor Pitt.
One of the post-doctoral researchers raised her hand and then stood to inspect the pile of gifts. She lingered over a shoe-sized box, shook it, and then peeled off the wrapping paper.
“A set of safety gloves. With holes in the fingers!” called the laughing researcher. “I think I recognize the acid burns. Who wants to trade?”
Almost everyone in the circle laughed and pointed to who must have wrapped up the gloves. The graduate student who had drawn number two from the hat stood and circled the present pile. She chose what looked like a book wrapped in fancy, silver paper. When she opened it, it turned out to be a notebook full of ridiculous patent ideas.
“Let’s see, it’s got a diagram for an orange juice squeezer that launches the oranges from a baseball pitching machine into a spinning boat propeller.”
The student cracked up before she could read any more of the inventions and she said no one better steal the notebook. The crowd pointed to a red-faced student who admitted he had brainstormed all the ingenious contraptions and drawn all the pictures.
Hailey watched as more presents were unwrapped and she worried that all the smart people surrounding her would not think her goldfish was creative enough.
It was Professor Kim’s turn. He had only brought one present for his entire family and he sent up his kindergarten-aged daughter to pick the present they would get in return. Without hesitation, she rushed right for Hailey’s box.
“Uh oh. Maybe that’s not one you want,” Hailey squeaked from her spot in the circle.
Undeterred, the little girl tore off the wrapping paper and opened the box. Her eyes grew wide and she froze, as if an invisible hand had reached out of the box and grabbed her. Then she shrieked, “Fish! Fishy! Fish! Fishy!”
The girl grabbed the bag and held up the goldfish. Her older brother and sister screamed and ran over to look. They danced around singing “Fish! Fish!” combined with unknown Korean words.
The children’s mother buried her face in her hands and then looked angrily at Professor Kim and everyone sitting in the circle. Professor Pitt doubled over in laughter and the rest of the room followed. The kids kept chanting in English and Korean.
Professor Kim felt obligated to explain his family’s reaction, but he was so agitated that his words were choppy and hard to understand. “Little girl wants pet very badly. Asks her mom, but mom says no. Girl prays every day for a pet, maybe just a little fish. Mom says no. Now she gets a fish. She thinks fish is a miracle.”
“Well I think it’s a miracle, too,” said Professor Pitt, still chuckling to himself. “Who brought the fish?”
Many people in the circle had watched Hailey carrying the box and they all looked at her.
“You were definitely inspired, Hailey,” called Professor Pitt. “I knew you’d come up with something good. No matter what else we open tonight, this will be my favorite gift exchange ever.”
The three Kim kids finally settled down and returned with the fish to sit next to their parents. Subsequent gift selectors did plenty of stealing and trading, but no one dared to look closely at the fish for fear of making the little girl cry. Her mother stayed stone-faced for the rest of the night.
Hailey worried about the Kims until they stood up to leave. She rushed over to pull the can of fish food from her coat pocket and hand it to Professor Kim.
“I’m so sorry about the fish,” Hailey whispered. “I didn’t mean to make your wife mad.”
“You made my daughter very happy. We will see what happens,” said Professor Kim.
Hailey did not sleep well that night as she wondered whether she should buy a small aquarium and give it to the Kims for the fish. When she went into the lab to find Professor Kim the next day, she was greeted by two senior graduate students who usually ignored her.
“I liked your goldfish,” one of them said to her. “Are you still working on that miniature reaction chamber?”
“Yeah. How did you know,” replied Hailey with surprise.
“I think I’ve got an idea you can try. If you’re interested.”
“Yeah, I’m interested.”
A few minutes later, Professor Kim came in looking very tired. He walked right up to Hailey.
“It was a very long night. My wife and daughter stayed awake talking about the fish.”
Hailey interrupted to say, “I think maybe I should buy you an aquarium.”
Professor Kim held up his hands. “No need. They decided the fish can live in the aquarium in the kindergarten class. My daughter can look at it all through school. She’s happy. Wife’s happy. Fish is happy. Everybody’s happy.”
Hailey smiled with relief. She could hardly wait to call her brother and tell him how wrong and right he had been about the goldfish.
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