Loyal to a Fault
LOYAL TO A FAULT – August 15, 2024 – Toledo, Ohio, USA
Fiona and Celeste met at the designated smoothie bar dressed for an upcoming pickleball match. They waited inside to escape the heat but did not yet order anything at the counter. As they contemplated smoothie flavors, they discussed their impending roles as advisors for their friend, Amy.
“Have you met this guy Amy wants us to check out? What’s his name, Bart?” Celeste asked Fiona.
“I’ve never met him, but I’m sure he’s tall. You know how Amy refuses to date anyone shorter than she is. She ends up with a lot of jerks just because they’re over 6’3” and she’s afraid she won’t find anyone else.”
“She does go through some bad breakups,” Celeste added.
“It’s like her judgment turns off as she’s getting to know them. She completely accepts all their good and bad. A lot of bad.”
“Then I guess we’re here to do the judging for her.”
Fiona laughed. “I think it’s something along those lines. She told me she needed an outside opinion.”
“Why the two of us?”
Fiona laughed again. “Here’s my theory. I pick up on people’s flaws right away. You could say I’m great at finding the worst in people.”
Celeste shook her head and said, “Oh, that’s not true.”
“Sure it is. I don’t mind saying it,” Fiona replied. “You on the other hand always see the best in people. You look at everyone through rose-colored glasses.”
“No, I don’t. I can be plenty critical,” Celeste said with a slightly embarrassed shake of the head.
Fiona grinned and said, “Not the way I can. Anyway, I think Amy’s looking for a pessimistic and an optimistic take. Hopefully it helps her decide what to do with this guy before she thoughtlessly falls too deeply in love.”
Amy and Bart walked into the shop. Both were strikingly tall. Bart stood a couple of inches above her and wore shorts and a tank top. He was thoroughly tanned and had thick black hair and a trimmed beard. A well-worn New York Yankees cap sat on his head.
Amy wore her hair long and straight to compliment her pretty face. She was a college volleyball player and maintained her competition physique. Her tight shorts and top made her look ready to step onto a court as soon as she heard a whistle.
Amy introduced everyone and they shared smiling greetings before moving to the counter to order smoothies. They returned to a round table surrounded by four metal chairs. The chairs were too small for Amy and Bart and they sat hunched over.
“Amy hasn’t told us much about you, so we’re excited to learn,” Fiona began.
“You can probably tell from my accent I’m from New Jersey. Just outside New York. I love it there and try to make it back as much as possible. I’m happy to admit I’m a momma’s boy. She makes the best food in the world.”
“That’s sweet,” Celeste said with a warm smile. “How’d you get your name?”
“Bart is short for Bartholemew, my grandfather. Not Bart Simpson, like most people think. And I should say that I moved to Ohio for work. I do sales and marketing stuff.”
Bart and the three girls shared more easy banter about his job and family, including how he got his height from his father’s side. Then Fiona narrowed her eyes like she was considering a difficult test question.
“I work at the university here and we’re coming up with a new kind of personality test. This one’s based on behaviors and habits and how they can be traced back to your thought process. The questions sound a little weird but whenever I meet someone new, they’re always fun to ask. Can I try some and get your reaction?”
Bart smiled, knowing he was being interrogated, and said, “Ask away.”
“Okay, let’s see. Describe what’s in your refrigerator.”
“My fridge?” Bart asked in surprise. “Mostly condiments. Plenty of catchup. I think I’ve got some juice in there. I’m sure some cartons with leftovers.”
“Do you like baths?” Fiona asked.
Bart chuckled. “I never take baths. Who has time for baths?”
“Describe how you do your laundry.”
“Ooh, that’s a tough one. I mostly wait as long as possible then throw it into one huge pile.” Bart laughed like he was confessing a secret. “And sometimes I’ll drive it all the way back home to New Jersey.”
Fiona asked more bizarre questions and Bart played along until their smoothies were gone. Then he excused himself to use the bathroom.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Amy leaned over the table and said, “What do you think? And what’s with you pretending to work at the university?”
“I thought it was an interesting way to ask probing questions,” Fiona replied. “But anyway, I think the number one thing he’s got going for him is his height.”
“He’s also good looking,” Celeste added.
“I don’t like that he was so eager to admit he’s a momma’s boy. I see all kinds of issues there,” Fiona continued.
“It’s nice. He cares about his mother,” Celeste said in a defensive tone.
“He obviously doesn’t have much discipline. He’s not very organized. Kind of like a teenager in an adult body.”
“That just means he can be a lot of fun. Never boring,” Celeste interjected.
“I think we’re still figuring him out,” Fiona concluded. “We’ll hold off on a final verdict.”
Bart returned from the bathroom and said, “We’re playing pickleball next, right? I haven’t played all that much, so you’ll need to take it easy on me.”
They drove to an outdoor pickleball court near a city park. All nets were in use, so they waited for a turn while twirling their rackets. Bart looked at his phone and grew serious.
“The Yankee game is about to start.”
“So?” Fiona asked.
“I have to watch. I’m their biggest fan. I never miss a game. The only way I survive is with the internet and my phone. Game streaming is the greatest invention ever.”
Bart tapped on his phone and a broadcast of the game appeared. The sound was loud enough that they could all hear the announcers talking about the teams’ starting lineups.
“How do you watch at work?” Fiona asked.
“Oh, I schedule everything around games. If I’m in a remote meeting, I have the game on in the background with the sound muted.”
“You never miss?”
“Never. For the past five years.”
“Would anything make you miss? How about if you were getting married?”
“I would never schedule the wedding during a game,” Bart said with a laugh.
“What if your baby was being born?”
“I’d just have the game on in the hospital.”
“A funeral?”
“I’ve watched a game during a funeral before,” Bart said with another laugh.
They walked out to a newly available pickleball net with the baseball game in progress. Bart and Amy lined up as a duo against Fiona and Celeste. He held his phone in one hand and his pickleball racket in the other as they volleyed the ball back and forth. Fiona and Celeste scored most of their points when Bart was distracted. He obviously cared more about the outcome of the Yankees game than the pickleball game. During an inning break for the Yankees, Bart called a timeout so he could phone his friend. He stepped away from the court.
“Did you know about this Yankees obsession?” Fiona asked Amy.
“Yeah, he’s a big fan. We mostly try and plan around it.”
“This is a major red flag. The number one thing in his life is the Yankees. The highest you could ever be is number two, if you could somehow crawl over his mom and probably his job. You heard him, the Yankees are more important than the birth of his own child.”
“It does show loyalty and persistence,” Celeste interjected. “Never missing takes dedication. If he loves you like he loves the Yankees, he’ll always stay true. And baseball only happens for like six months out of the year.”
Fiona looked skeptically at Celeste. “Really? You can actually find something good about that kind of behavior?”
Amy acted confused and torn as she looked back and forth between her friends. “I know it can be kind of annoying and distracting. But it’s so hard to meet someone really tall. And like Celeste said, it’s only for six months out of the year.”
Fiona dropped her jaw to demonstrate she could not believe what she was hearing.
Bart returned from his call with the Yankees game again in progress on his phone. “Sorry to interrupt. Where were we with the score?”
“You and Amy were about to win,” Fiona replied. “Hey, I forgot to ask. Do you like any of the other New York teams?”
Bart smirked like it was a silly question. “Well, yeah. The Knicks for basketball and the Giants for football. I never miss any of those games either.”
“Then you’re pretty much always thinking about a game.”
“Pretty much.”
They finished up the pickleball match, but Amy was not her usual competitive self. She swung lazily at balls with a worried look on her face. Bart’s loyalty declaration to more New York sports teams had obviously shaken her up. She would have to fight for his attention year-round. It was probably more than she could take, even with his amazing height.
“It was nice to meet you,” Bart called as the group split up.
“Before you go, can I ask you a little favor?” Fiona said to Bart.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“You remember that personality study I was talking about? The one for the university. I was thinking how fascinating it would be to correlate answers with height. Maybe being tall makes you think a certain way.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“I was hoping you had some tall friends I could talk to because I kind of figure tall people gravitate toward each other.”
“Sure, I can give you some names.”
“And their contact information.”
Bart scrolled through his phone listing off friends who were especially tall.
“As many here in Toledo as possible,” Fiona said encouragingly.
Fiona grinned slyly at Amy as the list grew. The next guy Amy dated would pass through Fiona’s pre-screening process, which would start with a question about the Yankees.
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