Good Cat, Bad Cat
GOOD CAT, BAD CAT – January 27, 2025 – Waltham, Massachusetts, USA
Rob liked to call his townhouse his fortress of solitude. One of its bedrooms served as a work-from-home office with multiple computer screens, custom lighting, and a $2000 ergonomic chair. He often wrote computer code in the room for eight straight hours before needing a break. He used the other bedroom for sleeping and equipped it with blackout blinds so that he could time shift and sleep during the day when necessary. He kept an extra-large refrigerator and pantry well stocked with food. He could easily, and quite contentedly, go a week without coming face-to-face with another human.
After enjoying three years in the townhouse and adapting to the relative isolation, Rob agreed to attend a party hosted by a former college roommate. He did not plan on the party affecting his life, but that was where he met Amber. She unexpectedly became his first serious girlfriend and spent lots of time at his place. The more serious they got as a couple, the more she criticized his living situation.
“I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be inside all day without another living thing around,” Amber said after a surprise visit.
“I have you around,” Rob replied while still sitting in his expensive work chair.
“Not all the time. What about getting outside for some fresh air and sunshine?”
“I can open a window shade if I need to see the sun. And I have my plants. They’re living things and they produce oxygen.”
Amber looked down at the potted succulents sitting near the room’s window. “When I say living thing, I mean a mammal. If not a human, at least a dog or cat.”
Rob sighed to show they had already had this conversation. “You keep bringing this up but talking about it is not going to make me less allergic. You know I can’t be around animals.”
“I still don’t understand how you can be allergic to every kind of animal. What if I can find one that’s okay? Would you consider something if it doesn’t make you sneeze?”
“Yeah, I guess I’d consider it.”
With Rob’s lukewarm approval, Amber began a search. She decided Rob was more of a cat person than a dog person, so she looked up hypoallergenic cat breeds. She read online testimonials claiming Siberian Forest cats were great for even the most sensitive pet owners. A breeder who lived only ten miles away advertised a batch of kittens for sale. Amber convinced Rob to give them a try.
“I’m sure I’ll sneeze before I walk in the door,” Rob said on the way to the breeder’s house.
“You have to think positively,” Amber said in reply. “Everyone says this kind of cat is way different than anything else.”
The cat breeder lived in a flat brick house with tires stacked in the yard and cardboard taped to cracked windows. When Rob and Amber walked inside, it smelled strongly of cats. At least ten of them lounged on worn couches in the room just beyond the front door. The green-eyed cats were covered in thick orangish-brown fur that was accented by black stripes.
Amber carefully watched Rob’s reaction. So far, his larger than average nose did not seem irritated. “We’re interested because Rob’s allergic to most other animals,” Amber explained to the breeder.
“Oh yeah. That’s why the Siberians are so popular these days,” the breeder replied. “They’re great for anybody.”
“I’m surprised with their long hair.”
The breeder shrugged his shoulders. “That’s just the way they are.”
One kitten in particular bounded up to Rob and Amber. After rubbing against their legs, it laid on its back like a dog that wanted its belly scratched.
“He’s a friendly one,” the breeder said. “He likes you and he’s for sale.”
Amber cooed at the kitten’s cuteness and pointed out that Rob had not sneezed once since they arrived. “I think you should get it.”
“I don’t want to rush into anything,” Rob replied. “I need some time to think about it.”
“Don’t take too long. They go fast,” the breeder warned.
Rob and Amber left the house with Amber talking nonstop about how the kitten would help Rob with his anxieties. Taking care of another creature would make him more mature and selfless.
Rob sighed and said, “Sixteen hundred dollars is a lot to pay for a cat.”
“Yeah, but it’s a purebred. Its parents came all the way from Russia. And good companionship is really priceless.”
Amber continued her campaign for the cat the next day. Rob finally gave in and that night they returned to the breeder’s house and paid for the kitten in cash as required. Amber cuddled it in her arms as they drove to Petco and then wandered the aisles, filling up a shopping cart with $400 worth of food, litter box supplies, and toys.
“He’s just so sweet,” Amber continued to say, stroking the kitten’s thick fur.
When they arrived at Rob’s townhouse, he unloaded all the cat supplies from his car. He set up the kitty litter box in the bathroom connected to his sleeping room. Amber put the kitten down on the floor and he pawed curiously at the kitty litter.
“Ah, he knows exactly what it’s for,” Amber said with satisfaction. “He’s already trained and looks right at home.”
She cuddled with the kitten for a few more minutes before deciding she had to get back to her own house. She kissed Rob good night and left him standing near his front door with the kitten in his arms.
As soon as Amber shut the door behind her, the kitten clawed his way from Rob’s grasp and leaped to the ground. He hurried over to the nearest carpeted section of floor and immediately pooped. Rob was still screaming, “No!” when the kitten raced to a nearby couch and viciously scratched the material under one of the couch’s arms.
The cat continued to scratch and race around the room as if possessed while Rob gathered supplies to clean the carpet mess. He made gagging noises as he scooped, scraped, and scrubbed. The kitten hissed and repeatedly leaped from the couch to the floor before attacking Rob’s legs with bared claws.
“No! Bad cat!” Rob screamed. When he tried to defend himself, the kitten slashed and bit at his fingers. He finally resorted to trapping the cat in a cardboard box, dumping it inside the bathroom, and yanking the door shut.
The cat cried and yowled nonstop as it scratched at the door. Rob anxiously paced, wondering what he should do and what damage he would find inside the bathroom. But he did not dare open the door.
“He’ll eventually quiet down,” Rob told himself about the kitten. He was wrong. The cat had an infinite energy reserve for crying. Rob and the cat spent a sleepless night complaining about each other on opposite sides of the door.
The next morning, Rob finally peeked into the bathroom. The kitten raced out of the crack in the door and returned to the carpeted spot that was still wet from being cleaned up. He pooped again in the same place before Rob had a chance to react.
“No! Bad cat! What’s wrong with you? I hate you!” Rob screamed.
The cat raced around the room, pitifully whining at full volume.
“Please, shut up!” Rob called in return. “What do you want? Are you hungry? Will you be quiet if I give you food?”
Rob poured dry cat food into a bowl. The kitten was not interested. Rob opened a can of food and again the kitten ignored it. He went to his refrigerator and pulled out anything that might quiet the cat down. When he put some sushi rolls on a plate and placed it near the other food offerings, the cat finally stopped meowing to investigate. It pawed at the rolls and nibbled at the raw fish inside. Then the kitten returned to terrorizing the furniture at a slightly lower volume.
Rob cleaned up the carpet again and retreated to his work room. He put on headphones so he did not hear the cat, but he could not concentrate on anything else. He worried about the damage the cat’s claws might be causing and where it might poop next. He grabbed the cardboard box again and used it to trap the cat and shove it back into the bathroom.
Amber showed up midmorning. She brought along her friend named Sandra.
“We stopped by to see the kitten,” Amber announced to Rob. Then she glanced closely at his face and asked, “Did something happen? You don’t look so good.”
“I didn’t sleep! That cat, I hate it! It’s evil! It’s a demon cat! I didn’t sleep at all last night.”
Amber laughed like Rob must be joking. “Very funny. Where is he?”
“In the bathroom. He’s already pooped on the carpet twice. He’s destroying the furniture. I’m afraid to let him out.”
Amber walked to the bathroom and opened the door. Instead of attacking her like a demon, the kitten sat innocently in its litter box. It meowed sweetly. Amber picked it up and stroked its fur with her cheek. She eagerly showed off the kitten to Sandra.
“Isn’t he the cutest thing ever?”
The kitten purred contentedly as Amber and Sandra passed it back and forth. When they dropped it on their laps, it rolled on its back so they could rub its belly.
“It reminds me of a puppy,” Sandra said. “So cuddly.”
“No, he’s not cuddly! He’s crazy!” Rob insisted.
“Look, he’s falling asleep,” Amber said sweetly.
“Of course he’s falling asleep. He was up all night crying and scratching. I’m sure he’s exhausted,” Rob replied, feeling very ignored.
After another ten minutes of admiring the kitten, Amber and Sandra gently placed it on a sleeping pillow bought from Petco and tiptoed to the front door. They waved goodbye to Rob and left his house. As soon as they were gone, the cat sprang from the pillow and clawed ferociously at the couch. When Rob tried to shoo it away, the cat hissed back.
Rob picked up his phone and called Amber. “You gotta come back and see what the cat is really like. He’s acting crazy again.”
A few minutes later, just as Amber’s footsteps became audible, the cat rushed back to its sleeping pillow. Amber walked in to find it looking exactly the way she left it. She gave Rob a confused look.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I swear he was tearing up the house a second ago. He’s like a cartoon cat with a split personality. He’s nuts whenever he’s alone with me.”
Amber looked skeptical. “You’ve changed your mind about the cat, haven’t you? You don’t have to make up a story. If you don’t want the cat, just admit that you don’t want the cat.”
“No, that’s not it. I’ve tried my best. It’s not me, it’s the cat!”
“I figured if you needed an excuse to get rid of him, you’d be complaining about your allergies and not the cat being psycho. But I was really hoping you’d be more mature about the whole thing.”
“It’s the cat, Amber. Not me. The bad cat.”
Amber left without a goodbye. The cat jumped up and resumed its attack on the couch. Then it scratched and bit Rob’s leg to remind him of who was in charge. Rob grabbed the cardboard box and pushed the cat back into the bathroom.
Rob slept on his couch that night to avoid hearing the endless meowing. He woke the next morning feeling sick to his stomach. As soon as he got close enough to the bathroom to hear the cat, his whole body shivered.
“I can’t live like this,” Rob said to himself. “One of us has to leave.” He called the number for the cat breeder and explained that he needed to return the kitten.
“No refunds,” the breeder said abruptly and hung up.
Rob stewed for a few minutes before calling back. “It’s not about the money. You can keep the money. I just need to bring the cat back.”
“Why? What’s wrong with it?” the breeder asked suspiciously.
“Nothing. It’s just not right for me. Maybe it’s my allergies.”
The breeder paused for a moment before saying, “Not my problem. It’s your cat now.”
When Amber showed up that afternoon, she found Rob aimlessly pacing instead of in his workroom. “I don’t know what to do,” he muttered. “I can’t live with the cat, even if you think I’m a bad person.”
Amber could not bear seeing Rob’s obvious suffering. Instead of acting disappointed, she put on a sympathetic face. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you into it. Pets aren’t for everyone. We’ll just call the breeder and return the cat.”
“I already tried. They won’t take him back. Probably knows about the split personality. I wasn’t even asking for a refund.”
Amber quickly offered another solution. “If you’re willing to give the cat away, you can list it on the local classified ads. I’m sure someone wants a free purebred cat.”
Rob looked up the website for his local newspaper and found their classified section. He posted a description and picture of the cat. Within thirty minutes, he got a call from someone named Vivian. An hour later, she showed up with a friend to pick up the cat. It was on its best behavior as Vivian snuggled close.
“Why are you giving him away?” Vivian asked in surprise.
“I thought I could handle it, but unfortunately, I’m allergic.”
“To all cats?”
“Mostly that one.”
Vivian and her friend left feeling very grateful. Rob gave them the supplies he would not be able to return to Petco. As soon as they were gone, he called up Amber.
“It’s over.”
“How do you feel?”
“Weightless. Blowing $2000 never felt so good.”
“I’m glad you’ll be back to normal.”
“I know you still don’t believe me, but there’s something seriously wrong with that cat.”
“It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to justify it,” Amber replied, not sounding convinced.
Two days later, the two were out to dinner celebrating Rob’s return to his senses. Amber’s phone buzzed and she looked down to read a text.
“Here’s a weird coincidence. One of my friends just texted asking if I want a cat.”
“What’s her name?”
“You’ve never met her.”
“Let me guess. Vivian.”
Amber looked up in surprise. “How’d you know?”
“Because I gave my cat away to a Vivian.” Rob smiled like he was vindicated. “She’s figured him out by now. See, I told you that cat was crazy.”
“Huh. Maybe you were right. But I still think a little companion would be nice for you. How about a totally predictable and boring turtle?”
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