Bird Brain
BIRD BRAIN – June 6, 2025 – Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Silver platters filled with deviled eggs and mini-quiches sat in the middle of the dining table. Michelle Harper added a bowl of expertly formed melon balls and a wooden cutting board loaded with cheese and meat slices. After fussing over the arrangement, she checked the thermostat on the wall. Despite the blistering temperature outside, the air conditioner kept the condo interior a perfectly pleasant 72 degrees Fahrenheit.
“I want things just right,” Michelle said out loud. “When my turn for brunch comes around, this should be everyone’s favorite place.” She wore pearls around her neck and hanging from her ears. Twenty-four hours earlier, she sat in a salon getting her hair colored and styled.
From across the condo, Roger kept one eye on the food table and the other on the TV hanging from one of the eggshell-white walls. He was not a big fan of brunch, but the food looked interesting. Michelle put a hundred times more effort into the brunch spread than she had his breakfast, which consisted of something poured from a carton into a bowl. When Michelle disappeared into the kitchen to check on muffins in the oven, Roger glided to the food table for a closer look. He was sampling one of the quiches when Michelle returned.
“Roger! You bird brain! Don’t pick at the food! You know that’s for my brunch.”
She slapped at him but missed. He retreated to one of the cream-colored chairs surrounding the entertainment room’s coffee table.
“Honestly. What am I going to do with you? It’s like you have no manners.”
Roger replied with the same words he loved to repeat. “I know. I know.”
“My life would be a lot easier if I replaced you with one of those robots we saw on TV. You could hardly tell the difference between one of them and a real human. Maybe I’ll get me one who looks like he’s twenty-five.”
Michelle went on and on trying to make Roger jealous of a robot. He tuned out and stared at a colorful travel magazine on the coffee table.
“Roger, are you listening to me?”
“Yes.”
Michelle looked at him skeptically. “I don’t think so. Anyway, you better be on your best behavior when the girls come over.”
“Who’s coming?” Roger said in an uninterested voice.
“You know very well who’s coming. The same three who visited last month. I’m sure Stacy’s hair looks blonder than ever. She’s got a new boyfriend, you know, so I’m sure we’ll hear all about him. He’s younger than she is. I think he’s got more muscles than brains.”
Roger nodded and said, “Stacy.”
“And Jennifer. She’s sticking with a kind of auburn hair color. Be ready to hear about some exercise program. Hopefully, she’s actually eating and hasn’t decided it’s time for a 24-hour fast.”
Roger nodded again and said, “Jennifer.”
“And Marie better be on time. She’s got the same dark hair and probably weights twice as much as Jennifer at this point. I know she’ll bring something even though I told her not to. Her latest thing is making sticky buns. She better not bring those buns over here.”
Roger’s head turned toward the TV screen that showed a commercial for the latest wonder pill. “Are you listening, Roger? Remember, you’re gonna be on your best behavior.”
“I know. I know.”
The doorbell rang and Michelle reached for the remote to turn off the TV before rushing for the door. When she opened it, a blonde woman wearing a lowcut shirt and tight shorts instantly reached for a hug.
“You’re the first one here,” Michelle said warmly. She turned toward Roger and said, “Say hello to Stacy.”
“Hello,” Roger said with a nod before turning his attention to the magazine in front of him.
Stacy slipped inside the condo and said, “When we’re done, I’m headed right to the marina to meet Tyson.”
“Are you officially calling him your boyfriend? How serious is this?”
Stacy smiled and quickly listed all the things she loved about Tyson.
Michelle listened patiently before saying, “Maybe Roger and I should have the two of you over for dinner.”
Before Stacy could respond, from across the room Roger blurted out, “Bring those buns over here.”
Stacy’s head snapped back like she was slapped. The forced grin on her face showed she did not know how to interpret Roger’s cringy remark.
“Oh, he’s being silly. Just ignore him,” Michelle said in response.
Right then, the doorbell rang again. Michelle moved quickly to welcome Marie, a woman with short dark hair and a voluptuous shape.
“I barely finished mixing up dough. I’m letting it rise.” Marie held up a plate covered in plastic wrap. “I know you said not to bring anything, but I had to share my latest creation.”
“What is it?” Michelle asked in a voice that tried to hide her irritation.
“I’ve been experimenting with different flavors and texture. These are chocolate covered chicken nuggets.”
Stacy’s and Michelle’s expressions froze until Stacy slowly said, “Interesting.”
Roger again jumped in unexpectedly and called, “Time for a 24 hour fast.”
Stacy smirked but Marie acted offended. “What did he say?”
“Oh, he’s just joking around,” Michelle replied in a peacemaking tone. “I’m sure the nuggets are delicious.”
“You really should try one.”
“I will. Why don’t you put them on the table with the rest of the food?”
As Marie worked to squeeze her plate into a prominent position next to the deviled eggs, the final guest showed up. Jennifer wore stretchy running pants that matched her top. She wiped her forehead and rearranged her reddish hair, which was pulled back into a ponytail.
“I’m a little out of breath. I ran around the condo complex four times.”
“Just for the fun of it or are you training for something special?” Michelle asked as she ushered Jennifer inside and shut the door.
“I’m doing a mini-triathlon. Not too far. I want to work up to a longer one.”
“Good for you,” Stacy replied.
“I could never do anything like that,” Marie added.
“You look great,” Michelle said in almost a jealous tone.
Roger suddenly shouted, “More muscles than brains!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jennifer cried.
Michelle was quick to say, “Don’t mind him. He’s feeling loud and obnoxious today. Come on, let’s all have a little chat before we starting eating.”
The three guests moved toward the chairs and couch surrounding the coffee table. They sat as far from Roger as possible and pretended he was invisible. He did his best to ignore them, in turn, and kept his eyes on the travel magazine he was studying.
“Okay, let’s spill the tea. What’s been happening around here?” Michelle said in an eagerly devious voice.
The friends talked back and forth about someone who was in the hospital, another person who was getting divorced, and a third person who won $20,000 in a lottery. When the conversation sputtered, Michelle suggested they grab plates of food before continuing.
“But before we do, maybe Roger will say something funny to get us laughing.”
Everyone turned to Roger. He fidgeted as he felt them stare. Then he blurted out, “I picked at the food.”
“Did he really?” Stacy asked with a disgusted face.
Michelle blushed and said, “Of course he didn’t. He’s just being funny. Okay, up we go and grab plates. This will give us all a chance to try the chocolate chicken nuggets.”
The guests stood slowly and sauntered almost reluctantly toward the food.
Michelle called, “Dig in. Don’t be shy. Let me just grab a few things for Roger.” She used a toothpick to carefully transfer three melon balls to a plate and carried it toward Roger. When she got close, she leaned over and held out her hand.
At first, Roger resisted. After some prodding, he stepped onto her outstretched forearm. “That’s my good, little Roger,” Michelle cooed. She carried him and the melon balls to a large metal cage. Roger hopped inside and raised his wings to admire himself in the cage’s mirror. He loved his bright blue and yellow feathers.
Michelle closed the cage door and returned to the food table. Before attacking his melon balls, Roger squawked, “You bird brain.” Then he remembered her remarks about being replaced by a robot and added, “I picked at the food.”
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