Bad with Numbers
BAD WITH NUMBERS – March 12, 2025 – Ithaca, New York, USA
The Chef’s Table restaurant leased a prime location close to Cornell University. Its solid reputation among faculty and administrators meant it was usually packed for lunch and dinner. Given the academic clientele, Chef’s Table was no stranger to eccentric collections of humanity. Even so, when a handful of senior members from the math department clustered in the lobby for a celebratory lunch, they caught the attention of the restaurant’s serving staff.
The most seasoned waitress took one glance and said to the assistant manager, “Oh boy. Look who crawled away from their chalk boards. Reminds me of a mashup between a chess team and a geriatric Dungeons and Dragons party. Do not put them in my section.”
“Then where should I put them?”
“Anywhere else.”
Oblivious to being watched, the math professors amused themselves with a European map on the wall. Each recited cities and countries they had visited. Elgin Merryweather was the loudest in the group and the one who had made the reservation. He had hairy ears and thick eyebrows that resembled moths dangling from his forehead. His English accent faded in and out.
Pierre Petroff stood alongside Elgin wearing a crimson beret, bow tie, and a tweed jacket. Next to him was Nadir Akay, wearing glasses with lenses so large they looked like two magnifying glasses glued together. His large earlobes sagged like his stomach. Simon Pak rounded out the group, wearing something that looked like a silk robe. A handlebar mustache dominated his face and he laughed nervously after every sentence he spoke.
The restaurant’s assistant manager gestured toward Sage, the newest waitress. She had a bubbly personality, a pixie haircut, and a tiny nose ring.
“Grab that group and find them a table in your section,” the assistant manager said to Sage.
She obediently walked toward the professors and asked, “Is everyone in your party here? Are you ready to be seated?”
Elgin Merryweather spoke up and said, “We’ve got one more.” Then turning toward the door, he spotted a man entering wearing all black, including a turtleneck sweater. His hair was close-cropped to his elongated head, which accentuated his oversized beak-like nose. Elgin shouted, “Clemon Tissory’s finally here. The man of the hour.”
“So that’s everyone?” Sage asked.
“Yes, my dear. We appear to be assembled.”
“Then follow me.”
After an awkward discussion about who should lead the procession, the five faculty colleagues followed Sage through the dining room to a round table near a window. A crip, white tablecloth sat beneath napkins and utensils. The spot was surrounded on three sides by already-seated diners. Pierre Petroff immediately chose a seat facing the window and stuffed a napkin inside his collar so that the front of his shirt was covered. The other professors filled in spots like it was a game of musical chairs.
“Are you here for a special occasion?” Sage asked as she handed out menus.
“Dr. Tissory’s been appointed as a Fellow in our mathematics society,” Elgin Merryweather explained. “You could say we’re celebrating him as a jolly good fellow.”
Those around the table chuckled. Sage grinned in a confused way.
“Do all of you work at the university?”
“Yes, we’re all math professors.” Elgin Merryweather introduced each person in the group and they nodded at Sage in turn.
“Wow. I’m sure you’re all brilliant. I was never very good at math. Wow. You can probably do calculations in your head just like a computer.”
The five professors smiled smugly, obviously enjoying the compliments from their pretty waitress. When she asked them about drink orders, each tried to steal more of her attention by requesting specifics about specialty lemonades and fizzy sodas. Simon Pak and Nadir Akay raved over Sage’s excellent memory.
“Let me get your drinks while you look at the menus.”
After Sage disappeared, Elgin Merryweather said, “Sweet girl. I believe her impression of math professors is that we sit around solving arithmetic problems all day.”
Pierre Petroff piped up to say, “Isn’t that what you’re doing in your office, Elgin? Multiplying five-digit numbers in your head?”
After a round of chuckles, Clemon Tissory added, “She’s very sweet though. I wouldn’t mind having more students like her around.”
Sage returned with drinks and was peppered with a hundred menu questions and bits of trivia. Elgin Merryweather told her about the origins of Chicken Cordon Bleu and Steak Tartar.
Sage giggled in amazement and repeated on cue, “I can’t believe how smart you are. I can’t imagine what’s going on inside your head.”
After an unnecessarily long interrogation, Sage returned to the kitchen to register her guest’s food orders. The math faculty were left wondering where she might be from and what she might be studying in school if she was indeed a student. Then, as if breaking a spell, Simon Pak asked Clemon Tissory a question about modular forms. The conversation immediately shifted to number theory and topologies. Anyone eavesdropping would have concluded the professors had arrived from another dimension and were jabbering in an alien language about a different universe. They were in a conversational frenzy when Sage made her next appearance.
“I’m back with your food!”
At first, the faculty members acted surprised and annoyed by the interruption. Then they remembered Sage and their manners.
“You have the salmon, correct?” Sage asked Elgin Merryweather, as she set a plate in front of him.
Still excited by the math discussion, Nadir Akay called out, “You have the honor to be serving the distinguished Dr. Merryweather.”
Sage smiled like it was a privilege. After that, with each plate she placed on the table, someone announced which brilliant doctor she was serving. When she reached the newly honored Fellow, Dr. Tissory, his colleagues clapped. Sage joined in. When her customers looked satisfied, she left them to their lunch and earlier discussion. The alien talk restarted, now with bits of food flying from open mouths.
Periodically, Sage returned to fill up drink glasses and divert attention spans. Thirty minutes after presenting the food plates, she arrived with the bill.
“If you don’t need anything else, let me leave this with you. I didn’t split it up or anything. I figured you’re all so good at math, you could do it instantly in your heads. I’ll just put it here and be back when you’re ready.” She left the bill on the edge of the table.
For the next five minutes, the five professors tried to revive their math dialogue and ignore the slip of paper. But it was like a mosquito that had landed on a forearm, demanding a response.
“Any volunteers to take charge of this?” Elgin Merryweather asked as he tipped his head toward the bill.
No one looked him in the eye but Pierre Petroff said, “It can’t be Clemon. This is his lunch. We’re all paying for him.”
“Then how about you figure it out, Pierre?” Elgin Merryweather said in response.
“I’d rather not.”
“Oh bother. I suppose I’ll do it,” Elgin Merryweather said with a huff. He grabbed the bill and read aloud. “One hundred, seventy-eight dollars and thirty-five cents. How about the four of us who are playing split it equally?”
No one responded positively or negatively.
“Then let’s see. That comes out to be $38.07 each.”
Simon Pak scrunched his nose. “That doesn’t sound right. Are you dividing by four or five?”
Elgin Merryweather growled. “I need a piece of paper. I swear I haven’t done long division since I was in primary school.”
“How about a calculator?” Clemon Tissory said with a laugh.
“Yes, if only I carried one around.”
“I believe your phone has a calculator,” Pierre Petroff said helpfully.
“Does it now?” Elgin Merryweather and the other four math professors pulled out phones and tapped at the screens. “I can’t find it. Anyone else got it?”
As they struggled, Nadir Akay said, “Why is it we’re splitting things equally? I ordered one of the cheapest things on the menu. And what about the tip? What if I want to give Sage more than the rest of you?”
Elgin Merryweather ignored him and attempted another calculation using the back of the bill and a broken pencil he found in his pocket. “Sixty-eight each. No, that can’t be right.”
“You dolt. Let Clemon do the figuring, he’s got the freshest mind,” Pierre Petroff said with a smirk.
“I think I can handle a few numbers,” Elgin Merryweather replied humorlessly.
Reponses grew hotter and more personal. By the time Sage returned, Elgin Merryweather was banging on the table as Nadir Akay yelled, “I won’t subsidize Simon’s Beef Wellington!”
“Is everything alright? Anything I can do to help?” Sage calmly asked.
Elgin Merryweather shyly said, “We can’t seem to agree.”
“On the math?”
“Right. I’m embarrassed to admit because it’s so trivial.”
“But I thought you were math professors. No one’s smarter than you at figuring out math problems.”
“I’m afraid we’re used to thinking more abstractly. Proofs and what have you.”
“Then this is too easy for you?”
“Right. You could put it that way. Too easy.”
“How about I split up the bill based on what you ordered?”
“Four of us would like to cover Dr. Tissory’s portion.”
“No problem. I’ll get the computer to divide that evenly between you. I just need your credit cards.”
Everyone at the table uttered some version of “That’s wonderful”. The four intending to pay fished for wallets. Almost simultaneously, a panicked look appeared on all four faces.
“How embarrassing,” Elgin Merryweather said apologetically. “I seem to have left my wallet at home.”
Nadir Akay, Simon Pak, and Pierre Petroff in turn said, “Me too.”
Elgin Merryweather looker pitifully at Sage and said, “I don’t suppose you would take a promissory note and let us return to pay.”
“Sorry. I need to get a card now.”
Clemon Tissory reluctantly pulled a wallet from his pocket and produced a credit card. Before passing it to Sage, he said to his colleagues, “I suppose I’m now paying for my own celebration lunch. And for everyone else’s lunch too?”
“Ah, good show Tissory. Of course we’ll pay you back,” Elgin Merryweather said heartily.
“No problem. We’re good for it as soon as we retrieve some money,” Simon Pak added.
Simon Tissory eyed them skeptically. He turned his card over to Sage and said, “I’ll need four receipts with a breakdown of what each of the good professors owe.”
Sage smiled and nodded before retreating to the credit card reader.
“She truly is a delight,” Elgin Merryweather said as he watched her go. “We could use more students like her around.”
Nadir Akay, Simon Pak, and Pierre Petroff were quick to agree and wondered whether they should suggest a math class she might take.
“When we get back to school, I’m taping those receipts to your doors. But I have a sinking feeling I’ll never see my money,” Simon Tissory said while the others talked about Sage. “Oh nonsense, Tissory,” replied a now jovial Elgin Merryweather. “Stop worrying so much about numbers and tell us more about modular forms.”
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