Target Practice for Lunch
July 1, 2023 – Redington, Arizona, USA
Shimmering heat waves rose from the desert horizon. Among the stands of cottonwood and mesquite trees, cicadas rattled an endless song that sucked all the water from the air. Junie Evans stood in front of his flat adobe ranch house and helped his grandson, Joseph, diagnose a problem with his bike’s wheel. Joseph had built a jumping ramp and now his rim was either bent or sitting crooked in the frame,
In the distance, loud engine noise overwhelmed the cicada song. Junie and Joseph looked up to see three dust plumes rising from the sandy road connecting the ranch house to the gravel highway.
“Is someone coming?” Joseph asked.
“Looks like it. Probably friends of mine. I’ve got lots of friends.”
When the plumes got closer, it became obvious they were made by three dune buggies. Instead of driving directly to the house, they swerved off the road and onto an empty spot of ground covered in creosote bushes. The dune buggies spun in circles and dived from a short embankment to land in the red dirt below. Thicker dust blew all the way to the house and Joseph covered his eyes and nose with his hands.
“Are they supposed to be doing that?” Joseph called to his grandfather.
Junie squinted like his eyes hurt. He did not want to sound worried, so he called back to Joseph, “They’re only having some fun.”
After a few more minutes, the first dune buggy appeared from the brown whirlwind and drove directly toward Junie. It stopped inches away from Joseph’s bike. The second and third dune buggies roared to a stop behind the first.
Three giants unstrapped from the dune buggies and removed their goggles. Each had long, wild hair and a messy beard. Their thick arms were covered in tattoos. The largest one stood up and shook off a layer of dust. His heavy boots pounded the ground. Joseph took a step behind his grandfather and looked up timidly at the giant’s sunburned face.
“Junie Evans! You remember me?” the giant called.
Junie froze and searched for something in his head. “Remind me of your name,” he called back.
“Perry. We met in town a couple weeks ago. You said I could stop by any time.”
“Oh, that’s right. I say that to a lot of people, but now I remember you in particular. Welcome to the ranch, you showed up in time for lunch.”
Perry gruffly introduced the other two giants. Junie proudly ruffled Joseph’s hair and said, “This is my favorite grandson. Why don’t you fellas follow me to the shade behind the house?”
Joseph hurried in front of the others as they ambled to a cement slab extended from the ranch house’s backdoor. Cottonwood branches overhead provided the shade. Junie pointed to some rough metal chairs and invited his guests to take a seat. He flipped on an industrial sized fan which blew hot air over the giants’ sweaty bodies.
“Lavona! Come out here! Lavona!” Junie called toward the house.
Before Lavona appeared, Perry and the giants began swearing about how hot it was. They were talking crudely about the women in a town across the border in Mexico when Lavona stepped onto the cement patio, letting the back screen door slam behind her. She wore an apron and a scarf around her graying hair. She gave each of the strangers a cautious glance.
“We’ve got guests for lunch,” Junie said, as if he was delivering good news.
“I wish you would have told me sooner,” Lavona replied. “I suppose I can make a bigger stew.”
“And can you bring them out some water?”
Lavona glared at her husband before returning inside. She reappeared carrying three wide-mouth glass jars filled with water. She handed them to the giants and said, “I’d appreciate it if you’d watch your language. Especially with young Joseph around.”
The three giants smirked and laughed like class clowns being called out by a teacher. As Lavona walked back into the house, they continued to swear under their breath, asking themselves whether Lavona would find such and such word offensive.
“You got anything stronger to drink than water?” Perry asked Junie.
Junie shook his head with a smile. “How about some buttermilk? That’s about the strongest thing we’ve got out here.”
“What is there to do besides sit around drinking buttermilk?”
“We could take a walk to the San Pedro River. Cool off if you like. Or chase javelinas. Sure to be a few of those around.”
Perry did not look interested in rivers or javelinas. “How about shooting? You got anything to shoot?”
“Probably not time before lunch to do a lot of shooting,” Junie replied.
“C’mon. There’s got to be something nearby we can shoot.”
“Maybe some cans. I might could grab my .22. We’d have to do it away from the house. Lavona doesn’t like me shooting close by.”
“Well, we gotta do what Lavona wants,” Perry said in a mocking voice.
Joseph picked out six aluminum cans from the trash while Junie went inside for his .22 rifle and some shells. Joseph carried the cans as they walked with the giants to a thorny acacia tree 100 yards from the house. Fifty yards in the distance, a cottonwood grew with one branch low and parallel to the ground.
Junie turned to the giants and asked, “You see that spot on the tree where we can set up the cans? That far enough away for you? You good shots?”
The giants laughed about the cottonwood being too close, but they did not see any obvious alternatives. They let Joseph and Junie walk the fifty paces to set up the cans. Junie kept his rifle in his hands. When he returned, he added six bullets and handed it cautiously to Perry.
“You can take the first shots,” Junie said with a welcoming smile.
The rifle looked small as Perry raised it to one shoulder and peered down the barrel. POP! Everyone squinted toward the cottonwood branch but none of the cans moved. Perry’s friends laughed and said he must have had his eyes closed. Perry complained about the gun’s sites not being right.
“They were lined up the last time we shot it,” Junie said matter-of-factly.
Perry took five more shots and knocked down three of the cans. He mumbled about how he would hit them all if he was using his own gun.
Junie grabbed the rifle and said, “Pretty good shooting if you ask me. We’ll go set up the cans again.” He and Joseph trudged to the cottonwood and returned the fallen cans to the target limb.
“Are you gonna shoot, Grandpa?” Joseph asked. “I’ll bet you could knock them all down.”
Junie chuckled. “I’m not as steady as I used to be. We’ll just let these boys have all the fun with the cans.”
The other two giants each took a turn with the rifle, and each knocked down two out of six cans. They swore loudly after each miss and teased each other mercilessly for “shooting like a drunk” or “shooting like a girl.”
“Let’s see how good you are,” Perry said to Junie in a demanding voice.
“I don’t feel much like it. One of you can shoot again,” Junie replied.
“It’s your gun and your tree. We wanna see you shoot.”
Junie tried to use a sore arm as an excuse, but Perry and the other giants goaded him into taking a turn. He reluctantly reset the cans while Joseph offered encouragement. “I know you’re gonna hit them all, Grandpa.”
Junie held tight to his rifle as he lined up his first shot. He could barely see the cans. The site at the end of the gun’s barrel drifted around the target cottonwood no matter how long he held his breath to try and steady himself. POP!
“Nothing! You missed!” Perry shouted with a laugh.
Junie took two more shots and continued to miss. The giants’ laughter grew louder.
“I’m just warming up,” Junie said in a friendly voice. He took three more shots and missed all of them.
“You couldn’t even hit the tree, much less the cans,” Perry said tauntingly. “That the saddest shooting I’ve ever seen. What would you do if a coyote showed up and attacked your house?”
The giants laughed and whistled and used all their favorite insults. Joseph hung his head and looked at the ground. Junie smiled painfully before quietly saying to Joseph, “Run and get your grandma.”
“Grandma? What’s she gonna do? Tell us we can’t say mean things about her husband?” Perry said in his mocking voice.
Junie ignored him and said to Joseph, “Tell her I need her for a minute.”
By the time Joseph returned with Lavona following him, Junie had set up the six cans on the faraway tree branch. He held up his rifle when she got close.
“What’s going on?” Lavona asked. “I’m trying to make your lunch. I don’t have time to walk out here.”
“Shoot the cans off the tree, Lavona,” Junie said, pushing the rifle toward her.
“Honestly! You called me down here for this? Why don’t you shoot the cans yourself?”
“Just shoot the cans, Lavona.”
She grabbed the rifle and pulled it up to her shoulder. Behind her, Perry and the giants sniggered about how she should be back in the kitchen. POP! One of the cans fell from the tree. POP! POP! Two more cans fell before the giants could even stop laughing.
“You want me to shoot all of them?” Lavona asked.
Junie replied, “Yes, please. All of them.”
POP! POP! POP! The remaining cans dropped. Lavona turned around to complete silence. The giants’ mouths hung open as if they had seen the distant cottonwood explode in a fireball. Joseph looked at his grandmother the same way he had expected to look at his grandpa. Lavona handed the rifle back to Junie like she was passing him a saltshaker. Then she straightened her apron.
“Lunch will be ready in ten minutes.” Lavona eyed Perry specifically as she continued. “I expect you to be respectful and use clean language. And wash your hands and face with the backyard faucet.”
Perry sheepishly replied, “Yes ma’am.”
She walked away without saying another word. When she was halfway back to the ranch house, Junie turned to Perry and said, “If a coyote ever shows up around here, I plan on giving her the gun.”
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